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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Date Like A Man

Date Like A Man: What Men Know About Dating and Are Afraid You'll Find Out is quite a misnomer for this book by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould.  I picked this little ditty up thinking it would be funny and snarky with a little side of insight.  Nope.  I was wrong. 

Never have I been so offended as I was by this book, and I have certainly had my delicate sensibilities offended on a number of occasions.  What crap this was.  I will give credence to the fact that this book was published 10 years ago--but really, were we that entrenched in Me-Tarzan-She-Jane dating mentalities that we were still playing by The Rules?  Oh wait--she specifically says that this book isn't The Rules.  And it's a lie.

This book is full of anecdotal evidence of smart women making bad choices--which clearly means that without Ms. Moore's help we would all be Neanderthal women who cry in the night by ourselves with a half pint of mint chocolate chip.  Thank gawd she's here to help!  I might be single forever if I hadn't read this book.  You know, since I have a cat and men are really only dog people. (The book says this, so it's true.)

This "author" makes sure that you know, girlfriend (as the author likes to inject in every other sentence), that you shouldn't seem as though you want to learn anything ever.  Shut up, sit down, and look pretty.  You don't want to be annoying, now do you?  You will never get a husband that way.  By learning things, I mean.  Also, girlfriend, you don't want to have a life outside of your man.  Make sure that you do things he wants to do since he will never want to do anything that you are interested in.  Oh, and lie to men because they won't really like you.  They will prefer the fictional you, trust her, girlfriend

I will leave you with some gems courtesy of this self-monikered "dating diva."  I might have added my inner thought process in italics.  And I swear, if she calls me "girlfriend" one more time I might hunt her down and slap myself in front of her. 

"It's...the reason I developed my Pair and a Spare philosophy (dating at least three men at once)."  Do you not have any friends or do anything fun?  When the hell do you have time to go on THREE DATES A WEEK?!?

"The best way to handle questions like, 'Is he a boyfriend, or what?' is to say, 'He's my sweetie.'"  Is this 1980?

"When entertaining men, stick with sturdy everyday dishes and paper napkins.  Men are just as happy (if not happier) drinking beer from the bottle as they are from the glass.  They don't worry about which fork to use for the salad and dessert.  Trust me on this one."  Read: men have no manners and you were raised super snobby.  How sexist is this???

"If a woman has been single long enough, she sometimes gets fixated on the first man who expresses some interest in her."  OHMYGAWDNOSHEJUSTDIDN'T!  Watch out boys--the first man who expresses interest in me might find me going all Basic Instinct on him.  Except that I haven't...

"Most women are afraid of bugs.  If you have an eight-legged creature in your house, why not call him and ask him to help you get rid of it."  This is obvi why I'm still single--I'm not afraid of bugs.  Also, the bug will be gone by the time Prince Charming arrives to kill it, stupid.   

"Men have their own holidays [blogger's note: outside of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's, which are chick holidays].   The high holy days for guys are the Super Bowl, World Series, NBA playoffs, Stanley Cup, World Cup, heavyweight championships, Master's, Grand Prix and the Kentucky Derby."  Because everyone knows men hate Christmas.  YOU FORGOT THE BCS CHAMPIONSHIP.  I WATCH SPORTS TOO.

"Elevators are another great place to flirt with men.  I do this all the time.  If I find myself alone with a cute guy I'll say, 'I'm so glad there's a man on this elevator, because I get so scared when I'm by myself.  Now I can hold onto you.'"  Need I really comment on this?

Regarding weddings: "The unspoken rule is that no one can look better than the radiant bride.  Why do you think all the bridesmaids are made to wear those freakishly ugly dresses?"  That's right, bitches.

"A guy may seem perfectly together, well dressed, polite, fun-loving and happy, but he's really going home to a bottle of vodka or a refrigerator full of human heads.  You never know."  VODKA?!?  Unacceptable.

"While public libraries tend to attract the elderly and homeless..."  And people who actually read books.  And me, the Sassy Peach.  Screw you.

On not acting like a diva: "Look at what happened to Princess Diana.  [She] was beautiful and royal, but it was the commoner Camilla who won the Prince's heart.  She may not be a beauty, but there is something in her that made Prince Charles feel important, wanted and loved."  Yeah, it didn't have anything to do with Charles being a jerky philanderer, you know?

And the clincher: "If you're saying, 'I like myself just the way I am,' good for you!  But ask yourself if the person you are right now is getting dates."  WHAAAAAAT?  If you like yourself but aren't getting dates, just be someone you don't like.  That should do the trick. 

NEVER TRUST A BOOK CALLED HOW TO DATE LIKE A MAN WRITTEN BY A WOMAN.

2 comments:

  1. Dear Ms Nicole, When this book was written it was a totally different time and you were a baby...It was never intened to be a guide for anyone to get married..it was to help with encourgening woman who had been in long term relationship ..ie..married right out of college and was just getting back out there on some ways to get back in the game...
    Yes my dear back then I too lived in New York City and worked in New York Cit and I too was living the dream..but as you move on in life ...you will see..you and your dreams will change...would I still give this advice to young woman your age now...NO but if your mom or aunt is suddenly single ...give them the book because they may need it ...because men in there game operate quite different then the boys your may be playing with...and this book will support them...
    Thank you for insight though....Myreah Moore author of DATE LIKE A MAN...

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  2. Ms. Moore,
    Thank you for your comment. I stand by my thoughts on your book. Any advice that suggests women play stupid for a man is outdated by more than fifteen years, and this is precisely what your book explicitly recommends.
    My concern regarding your comment is the math you performed in order to reach my age. Your book was published in 2001, meaning that if I were a baby at that time I would be approximately 12 years old today. While I appreciate your implication that I look young, I am slightly older than your assumption--by almost two decades.
    Thank you for the advice about passing the book on to my mother or aunt; however, if they were to ever land in the dating market again, such insipid advice would be more laughable than laudable.
    Nicole

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