Act Natural: A Cultural History of Misadventures in Parenting

You know I love a good parenting book, so when I read the blurb about Jennifer Traig's Act Natural: A Cultural History of Misadventures in Parenting I was completely sold. 

One peice of advice you get as a new parent — and arguably one of the most well-intentioned yet completely useless — is to trust your instincts. After all, parenting is natural. Everyone knows how to do it! Except...

You should be a little more familiar with history. It turns out, there is nothing even remotely natural about parenting. Humans have spent centuries making absolutely stupid decisions about their children. There is a reason people have been horrible forever — it’s because they are products of their environment and child-rearing. As I like to tell everyone, when we know better, we do better. However, it’s also fair to point out that since the late ‘70’s, the Western world has taken the very new concept of “parenting” and run with it. The pendulum has swung in the opposite direction and humans still generally suck. 

But don’t worry! Just trust your instincts. It’s natural. 

I loved this book as a cultural history of parenting. I’ve railed in previous posts about how parenting has become a verb and it’s done some damage to adults’ self-worth and beliefs about themselves. Here, Traig has selected a few big topics and has given us a concise yet very full history of parenting advice from as far back as it was written. Some of it is horrifying, some of it is funny, and some of it is absurd. Occasionally you will find advice that is on-point. She takes  us through birth to feeding and toddlerhood to adolescence. You would be surprised at some of the recommendations that you should maybe still think about today. 

However, humans have been offering unsolicited and stupid advice for generations upon generations. Traig pulls it out in this book and presents it to you as-is with a side of self-depricating humor. She’s not interested in giving you parenting advice; she’s just telling you about the absurdity that lies in the history of men telling women how to parent. Because if we are really going to get down to brass tacks, that’s the history of child-reading advice. (The best is when the men either didn’t have children of their own or gave them away to be raised somewhere else.)

It took me a hot second to adjust to Traig’s asides in her writing, but once I did I thoroughly appreciated her jabs at history and her willingness to own her parenting choices. This is not a holier-than-thou retelling, and she’s strait forward in making sure you know that she’s just trying to get by. However, she knows that you are too even if you present yourself as a perfect family on social media. (I’m also calling out you all who like to throw in a “what a crazy day!” post every once in a while. We know you. We see you. We know you are full of shit.) It turns out parenting has been hard across history for different reasons, and at the end of the day, this book just celebrates us all getting by in whatever way we can. 

The Wonder Weeks

This book was given to us by a friend of my husband's, and she touted it as lifesaving to her. I was sold because both authors are academics, and you know I dislike anything that isn't evidenced-based. Apparently The Wonder Weeks by Hetty van de Rijt and Frans Plooij is quite the hit among the mommy set, of which I am not one of their traditional members. 

Becoming a new parent is one of the strangest experiences, and I tell people all the time that no one was more prepared to be a parent than I was. A sample of my credentials included approximately 25 years of child care varrying in ages from newborn to high school, approximately 14 years of teaching ages toddler to graduate level, two Master’s degrees and a doctoral candidacy in Educational Psychology in which one of my foci was human development. I know my stuff. 

So when I tell you that becoming the parent of what basically amounts to a potted plant was one of the strangest and difficult things I’ve ever done, I can’t imagine how bad it must be for people who have never even held an infant. When we checked out of the hospital, the discharge nurse was talking to me about diapers when I cut her off and said that I have decades worth of childcare experience and I can change a diaper. I need guidance on how to turn a baby into a bigger human without losing my mind. She didn’t have an answer to that but was clearly happy that I knew how to fasten a Pamper. 

All of this to say that at first I relied on this book like it was the Bible. I mean, not entirely, but I did use it and appreciated its presence in my life to create a bit of predictability and stability in an otherwise chaotic and unpredictable moment in our lives. Those first few leaps that the authors discuss were not just important but were also markers that we were surviving and watching our boy grow. I didn’t follow their advice for games and activities and such because it just wasn’t necessary for me, but I was thankful to see them in there for parents who genuinely have no idea what to do with their babies. These leaps happened fast and furiously for the first nine months or so, so having this guide was vital for our sanity. 

As my son has gotten older and the leaps have gotten longer and farther between, we haven’t really needed the guidance as much. Once he hit six months or so he enetered my wheelhouse of knowledge and I was able

To better understand where he was and where he was going. But man, were those first few months something. I’m grateful that we had this on hand to serve as a guidebook for an otherwise confusing and fraught experience that comes with absolutely no instructions. And even when you find some, most are crap. Not this though. 

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding

I was unsure of which breastfeeding book to get when I was pregnant, and during our birth class La Leche League's The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding came highly recommended. So I got it.

Because I only bought one breastfeeding book, I can't really make a big comparison, but I can say that I found this one helpful. I really appreciated how it was organized, starting with "Nesting," which focused on why you would choose breastfeeding, through different stages such as "Birth" and "Latching and Attaching," through the first few days, weeks, and then ultimately the longer stages such as "Four to Nine Months," and the ninth month on. If you want to breastfeed into the toddler years, there's a chapter on that, too. The next section is like a FAQ (it's called "The Big Questions"), and the last portion is called "Tech Support." Once we hit our stride I forgot to go back and read the later stages, but once I did, I realized that I didn't need the book as much as I did early on in the process.

Because man, this was hard. This organization and content helped keep me calm when things really, really sucked at first. My son was often angry because he didn't want to work for his milk; he would lean his head back and open his mouth like he wanted me to just pour it in. Yeah buddy, me too, but that's not how this works. Breastfeeding is anything but easy, and if it came easy for you, right on. But most women I know didn't have a great start. I do appreciate that, for example, this book reassures you that your child is getting enough, but really, you don't ever know, so you need to monitor diaper outputs.

That being said, make sure that you go into this with a level head. There are some scare tactics in terms of the question of, "Should I or shouldn't I," and I'm always very bothered by that. I was swept up in the lactivism madness myself, and I have since taken a step back to reevaluate what the actual research shows. It's worth taking the time to critically examine your beliefs so that you don't end up feeling as though you are a horrible mother if breastfeeding doesn't work out for you or even if you don't want to do it. Recognize that some of the connections between breastfeeding and outcomes most likely don't have anything to do with the breast milk itself, but more the bonding of the mother and baby. Beware of equating breast milk consumption to the act of breastfeeding. And most importantly, give yourself a break. Your baby is going to be fine. I say that so you won't freak out when you read something like I did, which was equivalent to, "YOUR BABY MAY NOT SURVIVE AS A FULLY FORMED HUMAN IF YOU FORMULA FEED," and there is no evidence that support that.

While the authors are on point with some advice in the solid foods chapter (like avoiding baby cereal [no nutritional value!], honey [botulism!] and choking hazards [whole nuts and popcorn!]), they are very behind on the recommendations for introducing allergens, which is now the sooner the better depending on your family's history. Make sure that you are up to date on the latest AAP and WHO recommendations. I get that the advice is well meaning and it's coming from a specific perspective, and I think that it's important to understand all of the arguments for solids are, but you have to do your own close examination of the recommendations and critically analyze where the information is coming from.

I never made it to a LLL meeting, and after reading Lactivism as well as this book, I'm not sure it's the group for me, although I think if it will help you and you are down with the philosophy of the book, get your butt over there. I know they have helped countless women improve the breastfeeding practice and keep kids fed.  

Natural Hospital Birth: The Best of Both Worlds

Cynthia Gabriel's Natural Hospital Birth: The Best of Both Worlds was part of our childbirth class for those of us giving birth in a hospital but hoping for a natural birth. This was my partner and I. Regardless of how it turned out, this book was invaluable to us as a resource.

Choosing the way you want to give birth is a long and fraught process for some women. There are those who are all about the hospital no-muss-no-fuss birth -- get me in, drug me up, and get this baby out -- and there are others who want as little medical intervention as necessary and opt for a home birth. For those who want a happy medium -- a natural birth if medically possible but in a hospital setting for safety reassurance -- it is important that you go in as prepared as possible for an experience that may seem at opposite ends of the spectrum. This book leads you through the process of preparing for a natural birth in a hospital settings written by an experienced doula.

This book was probably the most helpful out of all of the books I read to prepare for the birth of my first. I knew I wanted to be in a hospital, if only because I really love by OB and that was the only option to have her deliver my baby. I did plan for and extensively prepare for a natural birth, although I always said there was a caveat to that, and it was that I believe in modern medicine and that if I needed to have an intervention, of course I would have it. Things are much more complicated in one of New York City's busiest hospitals, and things didn't go as optimally as anyone would have liked. The issue was with the hospital policies and the staff, not with my plans, my support system, or my wonderful doctor, who went above and beyond to give me a patient-centered experience within the confines of the hospital at which she has admitting privileges. That doesn't change how important I found this book and why I highly recommend it.

Look, having a birth plan is a little silly, because these things are about as un-plannable as you can get. I loved that this book had a template for birth preferences, which I think is a much more healthy way to think about it. Of course, I had preferences, and some of them were (begrudgingly) honored, but I also realized even before we went in that you can't plan much for a birth other than to get a baby. I am a firm believer in a happy medium, and I was open to what needed to be done. I appreciated that this book was clear and to the point, and that it provided encouragement to create a list of preferences and to use it. I liked the stories in here, although I am not one to base my decisions off of others' stories.

I would highly recommend this book if you are trying to decide between the two polar opposites of birth. I completely understand the need to feel like you have control of an uncontrollable process, and anyone who has never been pregnant or given birth just doesn't understand how frightening the loss of control feels, even for those who are not control freaks. This book gives you the tools to feel slightly more in control of the process, even with the recognition that you aren't in control at all. I hope that makes sense. 

The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children

A longtime friend of mine sent me a text recommending Alison Gopnik's new book, The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children after seeing Gopnik speak about it recently. What she didn't know is that I am one of Gopnik's biggest fans, and I have a huge academic crush on her. I present her work to my students in my early childhood classes, and The Scientist in the Crib is one my all-time favorite books. I'm rereading it right now, actually. 

Gopnik writes this book from the perspective of being a grandmother and an academic researcher. She opens her book by discussing "parenting" as it has become over the last 50 years -- a verb, a job, something that we are required to do if we have a child. The thrust of her book is that we have become a society that parents as carpenters rather than as gardeners. Carpentry is done with a blueprint as a guide, and the result is something that involves specific processes and a specific outcome. Gardening, on the other hand, implies guidance and trimming while giving the contents a time to grow and define themselves. In carpentry, if you get a different outcome than you planned, you have not achieved your goal. In gardening, there is not outcome in mind, only the process and the acceptance of the beauty of the unexpected outcome.

I loved this book for so many reasons, not the least of which is that Gopnik presents developmental research so clearly and plainly that just about anyone can read this book and have a sense of the essence of what developmental psychology can show us. I love what I do, which is mostly teaching teachers about child and adolescent development, and I found that this book was so eloquent about the history and the understanding of where children come from and how they develop as they do. What I hope that people take away from this book is the understanding that how you parent won't make as big of a difference in what your child will become as much as just simply loving your children will. Her thesis that parenting is not a job, but rather an act of love, is profound and so simple that it gets lost in the Mommy Wars. You won't get your kid to Harvard because you use flashcards with him at age two.

Slow down, everyone, and love the process. It's hard, especially with middle class parents, to tell them to slow their roll. I've commented on here in previous posts that I'm a wool blend parent, and a lot of that has to do with the access to research that I have. I understand, for example, that my values matter, but loud obnoxious toys don't. Talking to my son matters, but talking television doesn't. Laughing with my son matters, pushing him to learn his numbers at six months doesn't. My husband and I laugh because my goal is for my son to be average, and I joke that only an educational psychologist says that about her child. I have no desire to be a carpenter with my child, and it has made me a better parent. I was particularly taken with Gopnik's introduction, and I spent a great deal of time after reading it thinking on this idea of parenting as a verb, as a job. How ridiculous it is, really, that we as (mostly) women base our self-worth on how our children turn out. We are actually depending on someone else's autonomous decisions to inform us of whether or not we did our jobs. That is utterly and completely absurd. As Gopnik says in this book, we raise our children to be who they are through our love and our guidance, but they will be who they will be.

Children learn naturally and on their own, and no amount of pushing them to be geniuses at age three will do the trick. I joke around with my friends that my parenting advice book is going to be called "CTFO: A Parenting Guide For The Rest of Us." I loved this book, and not just because I love Gopnik. I loved it because it took this research that is so full of insight and made it available to the masses. The question is, who will listen? I hope more of us, as we seek to find balance in parenting and people. I will say this loud and clear: Parenting is not my job -- it's something I do out of love. It's not my job to see that my child becomes a genius or does anything specific in his life other than, and these are required in my house, that he be kind and respectful of all humans. 

Push Back: Guilt in the Age of Natural Parenting

As a friend commented, "That's one controversial lady." Amy Tuteur, MD, is an OB/GYN by training who now runs a blog dedicated to decimating the natural parenting industry. She takes her work to this collection, Push Back: Guilt in the Age of Natural Parenting. Another friend of mine saw me reading it and groaned, and commented about how I shouldn't feel guilty. I will be the first to tell you that I have no guilt in my parenting, which I will get to in a bit. I picked this book up because it was mentioned in a long-form article on breastfeeding (along with Lactivism from a couple of weeks ago), so I picked it up as more reading into this mommy wars issue that I'm now so interested in.

Dr. Tuteur focuses on three areas that make her angry, the first of which is natural childbirth. She argues not just that women should not feel bad that the didn't have a natural birth, but that women in the 21st century should avoid natural childbirth altogether because we have pain relief and the medical establishment for a reason. Breastfeeding is her second issue, and she wants women to not feel guilty if they can't or don't want to breastfeed. Finally, attachment parenting really gets Dr. Tuteur up in arms. Kids have turned out fine for centuries, and there's no reason for women (because let's face it, it's mostly women) to feel guilty if they can't hold their child 24/7.

I pretty much summed up the breastfeeding argument in my post on Lactivism a couple of weeks ago (link in the first paragraph), so I won't go too much into detail here. I can sum up my position, which I think is a little less militant than Dr. Tuteur's, as "do it if you can but don't cry about it if you can't, and it's no one's business why you choose what you choose." I agree with the author when I say that I think that the argument goes beyond just those who can't and needs to include those who don't want to. It doesn't matter the reason why -- if you don't want to, you are the boss of your body and you get to make that decision.

I'm also in the "I don't really care so much" zone on attachment parenting. I thought I was attachment parenting when I told people that what I was doing was "lazy parenting," but Dr. Tuteur describes it here as something much more rigid and crunchy than anything I'm into. Now, that being said, I have yet to read the Dr. Sears book, so I'm withholding thoughts on this since I haven't quite done my research well enough to have an opinion. After reading Dr. Tuteur's thoughts on these three subjects, I'm hesitant to jump in and completely believe her description of attachment parenting. She may be right (again, I'll do my own investigation), but she is just as militantly dictating her agenda as those she rails against in this book. Which brings to me to the biggest beef I have with this book.

Natural childbirth. I haven't made any bones about my goal for my own birth was natural childbirth with the understanding that I would have the kid however I ended up having the kid. A quick side note here so that you can understand why I think Dr. Tuteur's claim that these views come from her being a feminist is a little , and the short answer is because of her dismissal of any argument about patient-centered care in treating women giving birth. As I said, the goal was natural childbirth, and I labored for 12 hours on Pitocin after an induction via balloon catheter with no epidural. I'm damned proud of that, and I'm glad I experienced it. I ended up with an epidural and a Cesarean not because of any emergency or concern about the baby -- the hospital puts laboring patients on a time clock, and after six hours, if there's no movement to transition, you move into surgery. I have yet to meet someone who isn't horrified when I tell them this.

That being said, I don't regret getting my kiddo out the way he came. I don't feel guilty about a c-section or an epidural (honestly, it felt like rainbows and unicorns), and it is what it is. What I hated about my birth, and what still sits with me, is how I was treated as a patient. I was treated by the hospital staff (namely the nurses) and the doctor on duty when I was inducted (who, by the way, was not my OB -- she was absolutely amazing, patient-centered, collaborative, and awesome) as just another case to move through labor and delivery. I had to literally argue to be treated as a human being. It was disgusting, and especially as someone who only wanted to be an autonomous being. (Side note -- the surgery staff were also great, although the ped on duty should be slapped.)

Dr. Tuteur is so anti-natural childbirth that she never stops to consider the women who are choosing it and why. I wondered as I read this book if she had ever had a conversation with someone who chose this route about her reasons for doing so. There are many things I agree with her about -- for instance, pain meds are awesome, and giving birth is dangerous, and we have increased the ability for women to live after giving birth wildly in the past centuries with modern medical advancements. She is 100% correct about that. Additionally, I would never argue medicinal procedures or implications with her, as she is clearly the expert here. I am, however, pushing back (if you will) on the notion that women don't need to be a part of their birth experience. Dr. Tuteur completely and deliberately ignores the patients at the center of this dangerous process, and their feelings. It is precisely because birth is traumatizing that women should be involved in why things are happening and how to be a part of the team with their doctors.

In what I feel is the most egregious violation of bodily autonomy in women, Dr. Tuteur only mentions one single time in the entire sections on natural childbirth about women who have experienced sexual assault needing to discuss this with their providers. One, single, solitary time. She says you need to talk to your provider about it and they can help you. Oh boy howdy, how wrong she is about this. I have seen plenty of OB/GYN's myself who were not understanding of this. So no, it's not as simple as being like, "Hey, I was assaulted, be careful!" I can't even begin to describe to you how absolutely morally wrong I believe this is in an argument about giving birth, one of the most physically and emotionally difficult experiences a human goes through. All of this to say, some women want to be a part of their birth experience through natural childbirth because it's how they feel they can be in control of the situation, even if in reality they aren't.

There are a ton of reasons why a person might choose a natural childbirth, and there are many ways to go about it (not just a home birth -- it can happen in a birthing center or a hospital), and to dismiss them all in turn without thinking that some women might choose this course of action not because they are hippies who think they know best, but because they are real reasons that affect and are affected by the fact that they are humans with feelings and bringing life into the world is scary, is unkind at best. 

Doctor and Child

While I was poking around Goodwill for some book scores a couple of months ago, I saw this gem from 1970. I had to get it immediately; my mom was a big fan of Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and I even once drew a scary clown and named it Brazelton. Not because I was scared of the doctor, but because it was the first name I could recall. Doctor and Child comes after some of his other well-known books, and I thought it would be fun to read a 45 year-old book and see how things have changed -- if they have changed at all. 

In this book, Dr. Brazelton covers everything from postpartum bonding with baby to colic, sleeping, and TV and toys. he uses his relationship as a doctor to his tiny patients to exemplify best parenting practices. It was lovely to read, really, and especially with my knowledge of child development, I found much of what he had to say pretty spot on. My one beef, which I would like to get out of the way early, is the female-centric role that he makes parenthood into. This is a product of the time -- 1970, which means he was practicing in the '50's and '60's as well -- and I do understand that at that time, parenthood was seen as women's work and the men just show up to support their wives. (Yes, we could easily argue that not much has changed, but that's for another day.) This greatly affects my delicate feminist sensibilities. 

Ok, so moving on. Even 45 years ago, Dr. B has some important things to say on toys for kids, and I found his thoughts to be similar to my own: fancy toys don't lead to better learning, and parents who think they do use them as a substitute for their own time. The same can be said about the obsession school quality and the overscheduling of small and large kids. (Caveat: This is also, I recognize, something that requires a certain privilege, which is the assumption that there are parents (plural) and that one or more is not working multiple jobs to make ends meet.) He recommends simple toys that you can make at home, including what I tell everyone: cardboard boxes and tissue paper make great toys. I still remember a school art project where we made dolls out of foil. To this day it's one of my favorite activities. Stop spending money and start spending time. 

I am so happy I found this book, if only for the sake nostalgia. I'll keep it around for a while. 

Lactivism: How Feminists and Fundamentalists, Hippies and Yuppies, and Physicians and Politicians Made Breastfeeding Big Business and Bad Policy

I read about Courtney Jung's Lactivism: How Feminists and Fundamentalists, Hippies and Yuppies, and Physicians and Politicians Made Breastfeeding Big Business and Bad Policy in a long form article on breastfeeding, and I found it was readily available for reading on my Kindle. Wowza. I was not expecting such a gut punch of a read. Bottom line: It was incredible.

The title and subtitle of this book tell you the gist of what the book is about -- Jung dives deep into lactivism, what it is, how it supports itself, and how the movement may be doing more harm than good for American mothers and children. I will say that I was swept up in the lactivism push myself. After all, who doesn't want to give their child every advantage that they can? I sure do. In all honesty, I am thrilled with the idea of an average child, and I have no doubt that in later posts this explanation will come out. (Blame too much knowledge, folks.) However, if breastfeeding can give my little guy an advantage in terms of health, brain development, physical development, and bonding, then sign me up. Jung points out that breastfeeding is the great uniter of everyone from feminists to fundamentalists to hippies to yuppies. (That is, after all, the title.)

The problem with this push is that, at least in the United States, the evidence for most of the claims touted by lactivists just don't hold up. Mostly we know that it helps my kid's immunity against ear infections and some gut issues, but connections to intelligence and heftier diseases just isn't there.  (While I can't say I have done an exhaustive search, as I am also busy writing my own research, I can say that I checked out Jung's and it was pretty thorough. I love a fellow academic.) Like Jung, I went forth with breastfeeding because it was easy (after a few weeks -- the first weeks were brutal) and because it was free (but only kind of -- more on that in a bit). I make no bones about the fact that did it for convenience and not because of any moral high ground or ulterior motive. Sure, the bonding is great, but we could have had that without breastfeeding. While breastfeeding is literally life or death in third world countries, in the United States it's simply a preferred choice. There isn't anything wrong with this, but Jung's point that the guilt-driven push and borderline hostage-taking of women in poverty is egregious. If you don't know of what I speak, do some quick research into your state's WIC guidelines regarding benefits for breastfeeding versus non-breastfeeding mothers. Egregious doesn't even begin to cover it.

I am part of a breastfeeding support group on the book of faces, and I had to stop following posts regularly because I was horrified by the weight that women put into breastfeeding their children -- so many see it as life or death. As I said, in some countries it is, but in the industrialized world, it just isn't. While I will admit to being swept up in the breastfeeding mania at first, this book was a complete eye opener in terms of truly supporting women from a feminist perspective. No child is going to be harmed by being fed formula. I don't believe I, or my son, are better off because we were breastfed, and I don't think so many people and kids that I know are worse off because they are fed formula. I have put a lot of thought into the Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative, and I'm now not as gung-ho about it as I was a year ago when I was planning for the birth of my son. No one should have to justify their desire to feed their baby by formula, whether it's a desire or it's a necessity. I am happy that my son and I have had the chance to breastfeed, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I also don't hold any other woman to any standard other than that they have to feed their kid, be it by the boob or by formula. 

What to Expect When You're Expecting

What to Expect When You're Expecting is now in it's 5th edition. You know it. Even if you have never experienced a pregnancy, you are familiar with this cover. 

I wasn't quite sure whether or not to buy the book at first; I wasn't sure how useful it would be. Not because I knew much about pregnancy -- I knew what the average woman in America knows, which is next to nothing other than a fetus grows in my uterus -- but more because some books are super useful and others just aren't. I ordered the book anyway because I figured, why the hell not?

Even bough I had abandoned this book by the end of my pregnancy for other material (you've seen some here and more is to come), this was a great resource

For those freaked out first couple of months when I was wondering what the hell we were doing. Pregnancy was not my friend, and I won't even pretend like I enjoyed it. I totally dig the outcome -- my son is fun and silly and a ton of work -- but the process of getting him here was emotionally and mentally overwhelming, and it was physically difficult in the last trimester. This book helped in the early stages to help me recognize what was normal and what wasn't. I love my information, and this gave me an arsenal to look toward. 

Hubby and I also used the WTE app and weekly videos, which were a really great way to connect once a week to hit those weekly milestones. There were a couple of times times I had to correct the TV regarding cognitive development, but for the most part it was interesting and helpful. I wouldn't, however, recommend reading the section on giving birth too soon. It absolutely freaked me out the first time I read it. I needed time to digest all of it, and I untimately found some better (and more supportive of natural birth) resources for that part of the process. 

Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way

This is the second book that we were assigned to read for our childbirth class: Susan McCutcheon's Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way. As my birth has gotten closer and we feel more prepared (for an event that you can never really be prepared for anyway), I definitely feel more confident about having a natural birth than I did six months ago. This book helped in some ways and was super duper crunchy anti-medicine on the other, but I think it was a very good guide to prepping for a natural birth. 

One thing I have learned over the course of our preparation is that you don't just have a natural birth because you say you want one. It requires a great deal of preparation -- labor practice, communication with your partner about wants and needs during each stage of labor, making sure your partner is prepared to take over the check in process at the hospital, working with a doula (highly recommended) to prepare, having the proper tools at home (snacks, drinks, props, etc.). It's a great deal of work, and I think Walter and I have at least come close to nailing it. The caveat here is that birth is unpredictable, so no matter how hard you prep, other factors can easily get in the way and foul the best laid plans of mice and men. 

The super crunchy hippy parts of this book make it clear how BAD modern medicine is and that you should avoid it at all costs or you and definitely your baby will be ruined forever. Of course I don't buy into this; plenty of women in the last few decades have given birth with pain relief and everyone has turned out just fine. My desires for a natural birth are purely selfish and my own; I'm not worried about ruining my baby. 

That all being said, this book was a very important read otherwise in prep for the early and active labor stages. Now that we are due any moment, we do need to go through and re-read them, but I really felt educated after reading these chapters and we both felt very comfortable using this as a basis for our process, whatever that might look like. The pictures were very helpful to understand exactly what birth looks like, as we live in a world where we are conditioned to fear the birth process as opposed to celebrate it. Seeing other women give birth, if only in pictures, was a very useful exercise. 

This book is on our nightstand with another that I will review after my self-imposed maternity leave. I have no doubt we will reference this in the early stages of labor as we go through this at home. 

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth

My partner and I hired a doula for many reasons, most of which are too much for this, a book blog, and she recommended a local childbirth class for us that focused on the Bradley method. I have been very upfront on my belief that I am open to an epidural if I feel I need it, but once I got into the idea of the Bradley method, I realized this is a great way to work on laboring. My hope is to labor at home as long as possible and to go to the hospital when I reach the 3-1-1 phase in order to avoid unnecessary medication and timeouts. Of course, this isn't up to me. This kid will make his decisions and I will just have to follow them. 

For our childbirth class, the first book that we were assigned to read was Ina May Gaskin's Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. It was quite interesting, for both my partner and myself. I think he was most fascinated by the birthing stories, while I was most interested in learning how to give birth mindfully. One of the best things I took out of this book is a recognition that if I go into birth worried about how painful it will be, I will most likely only be focused on the pain as opposed to what I need to do to give birth. Let's be clear -- it's going to hurt like a m@$/&*%#er. But my focus needs to be on giving my baby life, not a worry on how much it will hurt. 

One thing we laughed about with my OB is how anti-medicine Ina May is. I'm not quite that anti-drugs. I see where she is coming from, but I also know that I have moved heaven and earth to be able to stay with the OB practice that I love and trust. I love a balance, and my doctors are all supportive of my bringing a doula and the desire to try a natural birth, but they will also be the first to say, "Ok," when I ask for pain meds. I appreciate that balance in them that I don't think Ina May has. 

I am a little suspicious of the birth orgasm for one, although I don't doubt that woman have had them. I'm just not planning on that one. I was already against an episiotomy as well as only laboring on my back per physician instructions. (My amazing OB's don't do either of these things, btw.) So Ina May and I are in the same page here. I would have loved a home birth, but my doctors don't do that. I would, however, recommend Ina May for pregnant mothers who are looking for just a little more information to add to their birth-prep arsenal. I feel much better about and more willing to explore a natural birth after reading this book, even if I didn't buy into absolutely everything she said. I definitely think it was worth a read.