Act Natural: A Cultural History of Misadventures in Parenting

You know I love a good parenting book, so when I read the blurb about Jennifer Traig's Act Natural: A Cultural History of Misadventures in Parenting I was completely sold. 

One peice of advice you get as a new parent — and arguably one of the most well-intentioned yet completely useless — is to trust your instincts. After all, parenting is natural. Everyone knows how to do it! Except...

You should be a little more familiar with history. It turns out, there is nothing even remotely natural about parenting. Humans have spent centuries making absolutely stupid decisions about their children. There is a reason people have been horrible forever — it’s because they are products of their environment and child-rearing. As I like to tell everyone, when we know better, we do better. However, it’s also fair to point out that since the late ‘70’s, the Western world has taken the very new concept of “parenting” and run with it. The pendulum has swung in the opposite direction and humans still generally suck. 

But don’t worry! Just trust your instincts. It’s natural. 

I loved this book as a cultural history of parenting. I’ve railed in previous posts about how parenting has become a verb and it’s done some damage to adults’ self-worth and beliefs about themselves. Here, Traig has selected a few big topics and has given us a concise yet very full history of parenting advice from as far back as it was written. Some of it is horrifying, some of it is funny, and some of it is absurd. Occasionally you will find advice that is on-point. She takes  us through birth to feeding and toddlerhood to adolescence. You would be surprised at some of the recommendations that you should maybe still think about today. 

However, humans have been offering unsolicited and stupid advice for generations upon generations. Traig pulls it out in this book and presents it to you as-is with a side of self-depricating humor. She’s not interested in giving you parenting advice; she’s just telling you about the absurdity that lies in the history of men telling women how to parent. Because if we are really going to get down to brass tacks, that’s the history of child-reading advice. (The best is when the men either didn’t have children of their own or gave them away to be raised somewhere else.)

It took me a hot second to adjust to Traig’s asides in her writing, but once I did I thoroughly appreciated her jabs at history and her willingness to own her parenting choices. This is not a holier-than-thou retelling, and she’s strait forward in making sure you know that she’s just trying to get by. However, she knows that you are too even if you present yourself as a perfect family on social media. (I’m also calling out you all who like to throw in a “what a crazy day!” post every once in a while. We know you. We see you. We know you are full of shit.) It turns out parenting has been hard across history for different reasons, and at the end of the day, this book just celebrates us all getting by in whatever way we can. 

The Wonder Weeks

This book was given to us by a friend of my husband's, and she touted it as lifesaving to her. I was sold because both authors are academics, and you know I dislike anything that isn't evidenced-based. Apparently The Wonder Weeks by Hetty van de Rijt and Frans Plooij is quite the hit among the mommy set, of which I am not one of their traditional members. 

Becoming a new parent is one of the strangest experiences, and I tell people all the time that no one was more prepared to be a parent than I was. A sample of my credentials included approximately 25 years of child care varrying in ages from newborn to high school, approximately 14 years of teaching ages toddler to graduate level, two Master’s degrees and a doctoral candidacy in Educational Psychology in which one of my foci was human development. I know my stuff. 

So when I tell you that becoming the parent of what basically amounts to a potted plant was one of the strangest and difficult things I’ve ever done, I can’t imagine how bad it must be for people who have never even held an infant. When we checked out of the hospital, the discharge nurse was talking to me about diapers when I cut her off and said that I have decades worth of childcare experience and I can change a diaper. I need guidance on how to turn a baby into a bigger human without losing my mind. She didn’t have an answer to that but was clearly happy that I knew how to fasten a Pamper. 

All of this to say that at first I relied on this book like it was the Bible. I mean, not entirely, but I did use it and appreciated its presence in my life to create a bit of predictability and stability in an otherwise chaotic and unpredictable moment in our lives. Those first few leaps that the authors discuss were not just important but were also markers that we were surviving and watching our boy grow. I didn’t follow their advice for games and activities and such because it just wasn’t necessary for me, but I was thankful to see them in there for parents who genuinely have no idea what to do with their babies. These leaps happened fast and furiously for the first nine months or so, so having this guide was vital for our sanity. 

As my son has gotten older and the leaps have gotten longer and farther between, we haven’t really needed the guidance as much. Once he hit six months or so he enetered my wheelhouse of knowledge and I was able

To better understand where he was and where he was going. But man, were those first few months something. I’m grateful that we had this on hand to serve as a guidebook for an otherwise confusing and fraught experience that comes with absolutely no instructions. And even when you find some, most are crap. Not this though. 

Touchpoints: The Essential Reference for Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development

My husband has been working at a downtown theater these past few months, so when we head down to meet him for dinner I will often swing by The Strand and see what used books look interesting. I've reviewed books by Dr. T. Berry Brazelton before, and I happen to be a fan of his work from a professional standpoint as well as a personal one. I found Touchpoints: The Essential Reference for Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development and I picked it up for a dollar to use with my early childhood development classes.

I found this book to be a great reference for new parents and those who may be skittish about whether their kids are "on the right track." Funny enough, last night I had a childless friend over along with a parent friend, and CF said that just about everyone she knows with a child is worried about whether they are developing correctly except me. She said this laughingly, but it's true. A big part of that is my work; I teach human development and understand it intimately, and I also understand that resilience is the norm. I don't freak out easily, and I would like to urge others to as well.

That's where Touchpoints comes in. I found most of the information to be reassuring to the general public, and the thrust of the book is a noble one: that there are certain times where you will see your pediatrician and you will wonder if what you are doing as a parent is correct. (Short answer: most of the time it is, so chill out.) The first section of this book goes over 13 touchpoints starting in pregnancy and ending at three years. Each of these touchpoints talks about what Dr. Brazelton expects to see when you walk into his office and how most of what he sees is normal. Emotional and behavioral development are just as important as physical development, and they are also the most nerve-racking to find a balance with new parents.

The second section covers challenges to development such as allergies, divorce, illness, and school readiness. The last section discusses allies to development such as grandparents and your doctor. Overall I found this book to be a helpful one, although it did contain some inaccurate information regarding cognitive development. Some of this can be chalked up to this book being published in 1992 (26 years ago for those of you whom have trouble with math) and it's more than fair to say that understanding of cognitive development especially in children has grown and changed tremendously in that time. The rest of it can be attributed to the difference between medical doctors and psychologists. There is a difference in what people learn and why, and just like I would never purport to know about the inner workings of a baby's body, it's fair to say that sometimes pediatricians aren't up to date on the latest research outside of their field.

One thing that I like to make sure all parents know is related to chapter titled, "Lying, Stealing, and Cheating." Actually, it came up in conversation last night, too. Lying in children under four is a sign of appropriate cognitive development. This doesn't mean that you don't correct them according to your values, morals, and ethics, but it's important to remember that children are not small adults. They have a developmental trajectory and cognitive map that is different that what we have as grown ups, and that should be respected. We often assign motives to children's actions when really, they are just in a constant state of learning and absorbing. Appreciate that all of it is a part of development, and it's your job as a parent or caregiver to shape the clay but understand that clay is malleable and fragile. Children are constantly learning and growing into adults, not as adults. 

My Body Belongs to Me!

Amazon Prime Day is a beautiful thing. I didn't intend to buy anything more than what we absolutely needed, but when I saw this My Body Belongs to Me! by profamilia and illustrated by Dagmar Geisler, I knew we absolutely needed it.

Clara is a young girl who understands that from being a baby to being a small girl, her body has changed and she is becoming different as she grows. She also knows that sometimes it's nice to touch other people, like sitting close to a friend, hugging her family, and sitting on her grandmother's lap. But Clara most importantly knows that she is the only one who gets to decide who touches her and when they do. She has the right to tell others to not touch her, and to decline when others offer and she does not want it, even if it is someone she knows well, like her parents. And if she tells someone no and they don't listen, she can always go get an adult she trusts, because she gets to choose when and how someone touches her.

One thing that is very important to us in our household is that our child does not have to touch anyone he doesn't want to. I ask him to give high fives, hugs, or kisses to people we know and love, and sometimes he just doesn't want to. It's not a problem; in fact, quite the opposite. Sometimes he doesn't feel like it, even at 16 months old. It's his right, and we want to encourage bodily autonomy with him. I ordered this book for exactly that reason; I wanted a resource that we could read to him that says this very thing.

Over 90% of children who experience sexual abuse and assault know their victimizer. All of this brouhaha over the last few years about transgender men and women using the bathroom of their choice because it puts kids in danger is a bullshit, and not just because of the primary reason that we should respect people's choices with their own bodily autonomy (and, frankly, if you are going to look over my stall to see my genitalia, I am absolutely going to call the cops and report you for sexually inappropriate behavior). The statistic at the start of this paragraph should alarm you, because it's NOT a stranger in the parking lot, but someone your child -- and YOU -- knows. It's someone you might very well trust.

Sex education begins young. It begins when babies are teeny tiny. It's a constant education, not just a single sex talk. It starts with making sure that children know that their bodies belong to them, and they have a right to say no and to be listened to when they say it. I love this book, and the culture of consent that it reinforces.

There is an introduction from the International Center for Assault Prevention recommending this book and providing information as to how to use it with your children to discuss bodily boundaries. There is also a list of resources at the end for parents if they need them. I would also like to point you to RAINN, another great resource if you are in need of help or other resources.

Bored and Brilliant: How Spacing Out Can Unlock Your Most Productive and Creative Self

I picked up Manoush Zomorodi's Bored and Brilliant: How Spacing Out Can Unlock Your Most Productive and Creative Self at Book Expo last year (2017), and I read through the intro immediately. It was different than I was expecting -- I was hoping for a treatise on the boredom research -- but it was interesting nonetheless. I put it aside for a while, and I picked it back up recently in the wake of my family's discussion of how we can be better about electronics. 

Westerners are spending more time on their electronic devices than ever. We are also reporting that it is negatively impacting our lives and our relationships -- so why can't we just put the damned things down? Zomorodi wondered the same thing, so she set out to challenge both herself and her listeners with the Bored and Brilliant challenge to get people off of their phones, get them bored, and bring back their brilliance. 

I began the challenge by downloading the Moment app and tracking my usage for a couple of days. I was surprised that, by the fourth day, that I clocked in less than two hours of phone time a day. However, I ended up with 25+ pick ups, which is an interesting ratio. I think that this usage is less than my usual, as I was already working to become aware of how often I was using my phone and making an effort to cut that usage down, at least at home with my family. Unfortunate, I found that it made me more aware of my husband’s phone usage, but that’s for him to fix. I just get to be exasperated with him. 

The second challenge, putting away my phone while I commute, was both easy and hard. I am a bookworm (obviously — this is, after all, a book blog), so staying off my electronics wasn’t terribly hard. However, I do often use 20 or so minutes of that commute to respond to emails and — here’s the irony — blog. It helps me keep my phone away at home to take care of little things on the train. So I modified the challenge. I could only use my phone and catch up on emails and such after I read at least one chapter in my book.

The third challenge, not taking a single picture during the day, wasn't too hard. Because we run an Instagram page for our family to see pictures of our son, it was important that a picture still go up, so I made sure to assign my husband to picture duty. I have found myself not taking pictures of the boy on days before, so this wasn't as hard as it seems. I made the decision several trips ago to avoid taking photos all the time and to just enjoy my experiences, which oddly coincided with me getting a smart phone. The first six months of my child's life was an exception, but otherwise, this was a good use of my restraint skills.

The fourth challenge, deleting an app that is a time suck, was one that I skipped, not because I couldn't bring myself to do it, but rather because just becoming more cognizant of my phone use on a regular basis meant that I was spending less (and sometimes significantly less) than two hours a day on my phone, and that included work time. Facebook may have been the one I would have chosen, and I found myself gravitating away from it anyway, which I find super interesting.

Then we get to challenges five (take a fakecation), six (stop and smell the roses), and seven (bored and brilliant), and I have to admit that I didn't do them. After reading the earlier chapters, I felt as though I was on the right track. And retrospectively, I can confirm this. I not only find myself on my phone less often, but I also find myself forgetting to bring my phone from room to room and, when I do notice, I tend to not care that I don't know where it is. That might change when my husband starts back up at work and we are on opposite schedules again, but right now it's working super well. So well, in fact, my husband has been annoyed with me when he can't get hold of me because I just don't have my phone around. Ha. Whoops! Sorry not sorry?

I will definitely do the bored and brilliant challenge sometime in the near future -- I think it's a good one. And I'm not deleting the Moment app from my phone so that if I do ever notice it becoming a problem again, I can refocus and get back to the deliberate use that I am working on now. I use my phone while putting my baby to bed because I have a book on my Kindle app that I'm reading. I check it while I'm out to see if my husband and/or child needs me. But otherwise, it's just not that important, and it feels like a great place to be.

During the challenge, which took me more than a week because I wanted to make this a change in how I use my phone regularly not just challenge myself for a week, my husband and I went on a date. While we were at the bar, right in the middle of our conversation about our family, he notices a film crew and asks if I had heard of the show. I said no, and while I proceed to pick back up the conversation, he immediately pulls out his phone to look it up. I became more than a little pissy, and I laid into him about how we were having a conversation and his addiction to his device just broke it up. Rather than filing it in the back of his mind, or work on continually observing, he had to go down an electronic rabbit hole and fill a void that previously had not existed. I told him that I needed him to start tracking his phone time because it was getting ridiculous. He has since started to do so, and next I'll have him read this book. 

Small Animals: Parenthood In the Age of Fear

The second I heard I heard about Kim Brooks' Small Animals: Parenthood In the Age of Fear, I knew I had to get it. It's not just because I am a new parent (well, kind of new), but also because I have strongly felt for some time that in our current time we parent through fear rather than through a desire to lead out kids to be self-determined. (See The Self-Driven Child, if you will.)

Just a couple of years ago, Kim Brooks ran a five minute errand into Target in a suburb of Virginia and left her four year old son in the car. It was a mild to cool day, she could see the car from the store, and he didn’t even notice how long she was gone since he was engrossed in his iPad. That one choice would lead to a years-long fight with the court and child welfare  systems from several states away that ended in Kim not being prosecuted but serving many hours in parenting classes. All because a “Good Samaritan” watched her, filmed her, and phoned the police over an action that is not, in fact, against the law. 

This begs bigger questions in our society about fear-based parenting, the motherhood competition, and how we now view parenting as a cross between a competitive sport and a job. In the first chapter, Kim lays out her story. In the second, she explores deeper questions of why we live in a parenting culture of fear, beginning in pregnancy. It is a fear that grips mostly women, and this theme travels into the third chapter which focuses on the history of that fear and how it primarily affects mothers. The rest of the book explores these themes in more depth as well as the outcome of her own case, including the second-to-last chapter in which Brooks comes to the conclusion that all of this fear-based parenting is creating a generation of guinea pigs -- we don't know how people will turn out when a generation of helicopter parenting has prevented them from ever taking risks. (I can hypothesize on this, and it's not pretty.)

This book is so very important reading for every single person in this society, be you a parent or not. I have been flabbergasted since long before I became a mother how fear-based we truly are as a society. The statistics of stranger danger are sobering because so few children are absucted by strangers. As Brooks repeats throughout this book, the probability isn’t nil, which means that it is absolutely a possibility, but we find ourselves more worried about things that aren’t much of a problem to avoid being worried about things that are. This reflects the research; I recently read a paper that clearly found that humans in the western world tend to worry about things that have a small probability of happening but are in control of humans, such as kidnapping and terrorist attacks, but tend to not think often of things that are more likely to happen through chance and the environment, such as hurricanes and fires. The things I find myself most concerned about for my own child are choking, lead, and subway crashes. (I admit the last one is a bit less probable than I think, but it IS the MTA.) 

I find myself in Brooks’ camp. On one hand, we know better so we do better — with things like car seat safety, SIDS, early allergen exposure. But that doesn't apply to everything. Brooks discusses the child abduction craze of the 1980’s, which I not only remember well, but has had shape my own fears and anxieties. Because it was brought so publicly to the forefront, we tend to over-rationalize stranger abduction and ignore more important statistics such as according to RAINN, 92% of minors who are sexually abused know their abuser. This is convenient to forget when it’s someone we know and trust. We also underestimate actual risks, such as car accidents. People are so afraid of things that are plausible but not likely and less concerned about the fact that over 1600 children each year die in car accidents and another 2.35 million are injured or disabled. You are far more likely to be in this situation than someone taking your child from a parked vehicle. However, everyone has an anecdote, now, don't they?

I find it so interesting how my husband and I have described our parenting with all of these adjectives: lazy, ignorant, hands-off. When you put it in the context of the over-vigilance that is expected in 2018, where our children are never supposed to be left alone and they need to be monitored so that they never get hurt at the expense of exploration and adventure, it’s downright neglectful. But we are far from it. We just expect that our child will be independent, playful, adventurous, and brave. So far, so good. 

However, when I explain this to people who are around us, including my own parents, what they say and what they do are different. Thy say, “That’s so great,” and what they do is helicopter my kid. They say they love our attitude, but then they say, “Watch his head!” Or, “He’s stuck!” Or, “Can he do that?” In theory they like the idea of my child learning for himself, but in practice we have become an overbearing, controlling society regarding children. I find myself more frustrated with the need to control my child's every move than I am with the fact that my child is stuck in the first place. We call it hands-off parenting, and it really, really, really bothers most people.

This book is so very important for everyone to read, and I will add it to my arsenal of books that I send off to my new-parent (and hell, maybe even my old-parent) friends. Along with The Gardener and the Carpenter, The Scientist in the Crib, The Importance of Being Little, and The Self-Driven Child, this is one of the best books on parenting I can recommend. If you want your child to be smarter, put down the books that claim to make them so -- they are bullshit. What will make your child smarter is allowing them to explore, create, and just be.

Will I be a free range parent? You betcha. 

The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

I saw a segment on The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives by William Stixrud, Ph.D. and Ned Johnson a couple of months ago when it came out. I was thrilled to then get approved for a review copy, and I'm purchasing a paperback to take notes in. I love it when my work and my child-rearing intersect. 

We live in a world that is very different from that in which our parents were raised, and you can see it every day in every way. I sure do. I often explain to people that my parenting style is laissez faire so that no one will be surprised when I don't follow my toddler around like a helicopter. In general I receive praise, then I watch the person who just praised me worry over my child as the helicopter parent that I work hard to avoid being. It's absolutely fascinating to me that the same people who will start their sentences with, "When I was coming up/raising kids, we didn't [insert whichever obnoxious phrase one wants to utter here]," are the very same ones who will start pointing fingers and screaming, "BUT WHERE ARE THE PARENTS" and "IT ALL BEGINS AT HOME."

I should take a moment and describe what I mean by laissez faire parenting before you think I let my kid juggle knives. We are with our son constantly, and if we aren't, we have a babysitter or grandparent with him. He is, after, all, almost a year old and not quite able to turn on the stove yet to make himself dinner. He still needs supervision. But I don't say no very often -- unless it's dangerous, which electrical outlets are, and I made him cry the other day by yelling at him -- because when I say no, it's dangerous, I want him to understand that I'm being serious. I let him explore and yes, I even let him tumble, never in a serious way, but so that he will learn his own limits without me imposing them on him. He gets to make choices about what he does most of the day, and as long as it isn't going to kill him, I let my controlling nature take a backseat. This is because I want my child to be self-driven. (See where this is going now?)

So reading this book wasn't exactly eye-opening for me -- after all, I teach child development and am intimately familiar with the research on developmental psychology -- but it was confirmatory in that I have made the right decisions both in my teaching and in my parenting. One of my best friends said to me as a warning that it's very hard to let your children become who they are without controlling them. I knew then, and I stand by it now, that it's not as hard for me as it is for most people. It may be if you want them to turn out a specific way, instead of who they are meant to be. (On this note, I also highly recommend Alison Gopnik's The Gardner and the Carpenter.)

It is mind-blowing to me that parents have such a difficult time allowing their children to just be, but it is also so easy to understand. The desire for control is a part of us, whether it's hard-wired or socialized. This trickles (or maybe flows like rapids) into parenting, much swifter than even the best parent would like. I have seen it in my friends, my partner, myself. I just happen to be much better at taking a backseat with my son than most people I know, and I'm thankful for my training and my work to teach me how to do this.

I want every single one of my friends with kids to read this. I want every single one of my teacher education students to read this. I want everyone in the world to read this, because these men tell you how to get results. This is backed up with research, and it's backed up by experience. I am so thankful that my parents raised me to be self-driven, as much as my mother would have loved to control so much about me. I was never paid (or otherwise reinforced) for my grades, and at first I was jealous that my friends received cash for A's and I didn't. Then again, I never had much of a desire to make A's. I was a solid B student with an occasional A and a more-than-occasional C. My parents never cared, or at least they never told me they did. My mom would ask, "Are you proud of these grades?" If my response was affirmative, she was fine with it. If my response was negative, she told me to fix it then, because they were my grades and I was the only one responsible for them.

Wow. Radical, huh?

But it worked. I realized very young that the power of learning is so much stronger than the power of numbers. I didn't go to an Ivy League school, and thank goodness for that. I am a product of the public education system, including college and two Master's degree (and one day I will finish my damned PhD), and I'm damned good at my job. I love what I do, and it turns out I'm happy. Happier than someone with an Ivy League diploma and $200k in student loans? Who am I to say?

I see how this manifests itself in my teaching. As the years go on and I find that I am "blamed" for students not doing well, I have emphasized in my classes that I don't give grades, you earn them. It's a radical notion that many young people still have a hard time understanding, but it's true. I have also had to add a syllabus clause stating that "OK does not mean A," and I go on to say that if you request to leave my class early, come late, or miss the whole class, I will always say, "OK," because you are an adult who can make the decision for yourself. You are not a hostage in my classroom. However, choices have consequences and you must abide by those. Have you heard the phrase, "For every syllabus clause there is an awkward story behind it"? Yeah. It's true. Most of these are because we have to remind young people that they are self-driven, and we are not their keepers.

This past semester, I had a student I will call Jenny, who has a four-year-old son. She was telling me about the fights she would have with him over homework, so I asked her what homework was doing for him. She spouted off what we all believe -- that we need to learn to do our assignments so we can succeed in school. I asked her, "What if I told you that the research shows no correlation between homework and academic success?" She was shocked. I asked her what the penalty would be if her son didn't do homework. She looked dumbfounded when she said probably nothing, because it's preschool. No one had ever told her that before. I explained that she needed to tell her son, "I love you too much to fight with you about your homework." It's a phrase I've been using for a while that figures prominently in this book. I explained that even at 4 years old, her son could make choices and then deal with the consequences. The following week she came to class and I asked her how the week went. She lit up and said, "Oh my god, it was AMAZING." She explained that she took my advice on Monday night, and her son went to bed without doing his homework. The next morning he woke up and insisted on doing it to make his teacher happy, and they hadn't fought another day that week.

The point of this book is to help you help your children become self-driven. They are more than a number, and they are more than their accomplishments. They are people who are being driven into stress levels that are unprecedented in teens. Teach them to take care of themselves, and work with them to set limits. Whether it's homework, technology, extracurricular activities, or college prep -- all of which are covered in this book -- CTFO. Chill the &%#$ out. Success isn't a high GPA or a certain seal on a diploma. It's being a person who feels confident, competent, and autonomous. I love how strongly Ryan & Deci's self-determination theory figured into this book. It's my jam, and now definitely my favorite book. 

Guest Blogger Charlotte: Gift from the Sea

While looking for new books to read, I found that Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh kept appearing on suggestion lists, and from its descriptions it seemed like a great way to start the spring.

As soon as I started reading this book, my expectations were completely challenged. From the descriptions I had read, I thought it would be more of a story format, but Gift from the Sea is more of an account of the author’s life. Taking place during her trips to Florida, the book follows her thoughts as she contemplates and reflects on her life and topics such as being a woman, marriage, children, and the different phases one goes through in life.

Pretty early in the book, I began to feel that although the book would be interesting to women of all ages, it was definitely more directed towards women who were older than me, probably married and with children. I sometimes felt that I couldn’t relate to the subject matter. However, I still really enjoyed reading the book as it went through different topics, values, and lessons that can be applicable to all.

I really enjoyed Lindberg’s style of writing and her ability to tie together memories with current experiences. For example, she compares the different stages of her life to seashells, allowing her to then go through the topics applicable to those shells. She discusses the need of people, especially mothers, to recharge in order to be able to live their lives to the fullest. Another point that I loved was her stating that we need to focus more on solitude. I thought this was so interesting because of our constant need to be with people or doing something with others. This is definitely something I hadn’t heard encouraged very publically, so I thought it was meaningful and it made the book feel personal to me.

I think this example is very telling of the book in general. The author speaks about and reflects on topics and conversations that are sometimes avoided in every day life. Every blog shows how we can connect more, take advantage of every opportunity, and be everything we want to be. But Gifts from the Sea gave a bit of a different perspective because it didn’t try so hard to impress. It reminded me that time alone to recharge and to focus on yourself is valuable too.

The only thing that stopped me from absolutely loving this book is that although it was really well written, the book was sometimes almost too cheesy. I had to take a break a few times to reset from the different comparisons. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it had lovely imagery and comparisons, but it could also feel long at times. I felt like some of the metaphors were a bit forced and that the book could have benefited from being a bit more raw from the author’s personal experiences and a bit less crafted to be inspiring.

All in all, this was a sweet and short read for spring break! I would recommend for the author’s more target audience, so I will be rereading when I’m a bit older. Otherwise, I think the topics discussed should be discussed by all age groups, so I definitely think it should be a book to add to your to-read list if you’re looking for a quick, uplifting read.

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding

I was unsure of which breastfeeding book to get when I was pregnant, and during our birth class La Leche League's The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding came highly recommended. So I got it.

Because I only bought one breastfeeding book, I can't really make a big comparison, but I can say that I found this one helpful. I really appreciated how it was organized, starting with "Nesting," which focused on why you would choose breastfeeding, through different stages such as "Birth" and "Latching and Attaching," through the first few days, weeks, and then ultimately the longer stages such as "Four to Nine Months," and the ninth month on. If you want to breastfeed into the toddler years, there's a chapter on that, too. The next section is like a FAQ (it's called "The Big Questions"), and the last portion is called "Tech Support." Once we hit our stride I forgot to go back and read the later stages, but once I did, I realized that I didn't need the book as much as I did early on in the process.

Because man, this was hard. This organization and content helped keep me calm when things really, really sucked at first. My son was often angry because he didn't want to work for his milk; he would lean his head back and open his mouth like he wanted me to just pour it in. Yeah buddy, me too, but that's not how this works. Breastfeeding is anything but easy, and if it came easy for you, right on. But most women I know didn't have a great start. I do appreciate that, for example, this book reassures you that your child is getting enough, but really, you don't ever know, so you need to monitor diaper outputs.

That being said, make sure that you go into this with a level head. There are some scare tactics in terms of the question of, "Should I or shouldn't I," and I'm always very bothered by that. I was swept up in the lactivism madness myself, and I have since taken a step back to reevaluate what the actual research shows. It's worth taking the time to critically examine your beliefs so that you don't end up feeling as though you are a horrible mother if breastfeeding doesn't work out for you or even if you don't want to do it. Recognize that some of the connections between breastfeeding and outcomes most likely don't have anything to do with the breast milk itself, but more the bonding of the mother and baby. Beware of equating breast milk consumption to the act of breastfeeding. And most importantly, give yourself a break. Your baby is going to be fine. I say that so you won't freak out when you read something like I did, which was equivalent to, "YOUR BABY MAY NOT SURVIVE AS A FULLY FORMED HUMAN IF YOU FORMULA FEED," and there is no evidence that support that.

While the authors are on point with some advice in the solid foods chapter (like avoiding baby cereal [no nutritional value!], honey [botulism!] and choking hazards [whole nuts and popcorn!]), they are very behind on the recommendations for introducing allergens, which is now the sooner the better depending on your family's history. Make sure that you are up to date on the latest AAP and WHO recommendations. I get that the advice is well meaning and it's coming from a specific perspective, and I think that it's important to understand all of the arguments for solids are, but you have to do your own close examination of the recommendations and critically analyze where the information is coming from.

I never made it to a LLL meeting, and after reading Lactivism as well as this book, I'm not sure it's the group for me, although I think if it will help you and you are down with the philosophy of the book, get your butt over there. I know they have helped countless women improve the breastfeeding practice and keep kids fed.  

The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children

A longtime friend of mine sent me a text recommending Alison Gopnik's new book, The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children after seeing Gopnik speak about it recently. What she didn't know is that I am one of Gopnik's biggest fans, and I have a huge academic crush on her. I present her work to my students in my early childhood classes, and The Scientist in the Crib is one my all-time favorite books. I'm rereading it right now, actually. 

Gopnik writes this book from the perspective of being a grandmother and an academic researcher. She opens her book by discussing "parenting" as it has become over the last 50 years -- a verb, a job, something that we are required to do if we have a child. The thrust of her book is that we have become a society that parents as carpenters rather than as gardeners. Carpentry is done with a blueprint as a guide, and the result is something that involves specific processes and a specific outcome. Gardening, on the other hand, implies guidance and trimming while giving the contents a time to grow and define themselves. In carpentry, if you get a different outcome than you planned, you have not achieved your goal. In gardening, there is not outcome in mind, only the process and the acceptance of the beauty of the unexpected outcome.

I loved this book for so many reasons, not the least of which is that Gopnik presents developmental research so clearly and plainly that just about anyone can read this book and have a sense of the essence of what developmental psychology can show us. I love what I do, which is mostly teaching teachers about child and adolescent development, and I found that this book was so eloquent about the history and the understanding of where children come from and how they develop as they do. What I hope that people take away from this book is the understanding that how you parent won't make as big of a difference in what your child will become as much as just simply loving your children will. Her thesis that parenting is not a job, but rather an act of love, is profound and so simple that it gets lost in the Mommy Wars. You won't get your kid to Harvard because you use flashcards with him at age two.

Slow down, everyone, and love the process. It's hard, especially with middle class parents, to tell them to slow their roll. I've commented on here in previous posts that I'm a wool blend parent, and a lot of that has to do with the access to research that I have. I understand, for example, that my values matter, but loud obnoxious toys don't. Talking to my son matters, but talking television doesn't. Laughing with my son matters, pushing him to learn his numbers at six months doesn't. My husband and I laugh because my goal is for my son to be average, and I joke that only an educational psychologist says that about her child. I have no desire to be a carpenter with my child, and it has made me a better parent. I was particularly taken with Gopnik's introduction, and I spent a great deal of time after reading it thinking on this idea of parenting as a verb, as a job. How ridiculous it is, really, that we as (mostly) women base our self-worth on how our children turn out. We are actually depending on someone else's autonomous decisions to inform us of whether or not we did our jobs. That is utterly and completely absurd. As Gopnik says in this book, we raise our children to be who they are through our love and our guidance, but they will be who they will be.

Children learn naturally and on their own, and no amount of pushing them to be geniuses at age three will do the trick. I joke around with my friends that my parenting advice book is going to be called "CTFO: A Parenting Guide For The Rest of Us." I loved this book, and not just because I love Gopnik. I loved it because it took this research that is so full of insight and made it available to the masses. The question is, who will listen? I hope more of us, as we seek to find balance in parenting and people. I will say this loud and clear: Parenting is not my job -- it's something I do out of love. It's not my job to see that my child becomes a genius or does anything specific in his life other than, and these are required in my house, that he be kind and respectful of all humans. 

Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids: A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs About Sexuality, Love, and Relationships

Toward the end of my pregnancy I started seeking resources for parenting. One of those was on how to talk to your children about sex, because I am a firm believer that sex education starts young. One of the mistakes parents make is that assuming sex ed is one conversation when your kid is old enough to understand; the commonly cited statistic is that more than 90% of children who are sexually abused know the abuser. Recently, due to the Larry Nassar abuse coming to light, we also have the statistic that is made clear: when children are abused, they have to tell, on average, seven times before they are believed. When children are taught that there is shame in their bodies, or that we don't talk about those things, it closes down the conversation and makes children feel embarrassed about things they should be sharing. 

So I turned to the book of faces, and I found Amy Lang's Birds+Bees+Kids page. It's an outstanding resource for how to talk to your kids about sex and their bodies, and I picked up her book, Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids which happened to be on Kindle Unlimited (yay!) for my husband and I to peruse. I was so impressed with how this book was written and structured that I decided to purchase it. As Amy guides you through the chapters on your own beliefs about sex, love, and intimacy, she asks you and your co-parents/guardians some tough questions that make you dig deep into what you believe about these topics and why. She starts with your values regarding sex, how you learned about sex, and what it means to be ready for sex. She then moves into some hard topics, including pregnancy, masturbation, STD's, and birth control. The third section is about puberty and adolescence, and the last two sections are about outside influences on your kids regarding sex and how to have conversations about all of this. 

This prompted my husband and I to have some talks we might not have otherwise. We are both very open to talking about sex and the topics around it, but these are things that just don't come up in regular conversation. I wanted to start these talks early and have them often so that they wouldn't feel new and that they would just be a part of our lives. I know that for me, the sex talk was quick and already at the end of my high school career. I was told that sex was bad and not what the Lord wanted, but no one ever really talked to me about my body. No one certainly ever spoke to me about how to make good decisions about sex that weren't mired in guilt. This, however, was progressive compared to my husband's upbringing, which in the Evangelical tradition taught a great deal of shame over the body and of sex. Both of these parenting choices affect us and our outlook on sex, and I don't want my children to grow up in a home where we aren't comfortable having real conversations about things that affect our physical and mental well-being. 

These chapters in Amy's book are well-structured and they ask deep and thoughtful questions that seem so simple at the outset but spark good conversation among parenting/guardian partners. It's so important to be on the same page, and this is what Amy gets through to her readers. She encourages you to write down the answers, but Hubby and I just talked about them. We took the book chapter by chapter, and while only time will tell, I do feel more equipped than I did before having this resource handy to deal with what comes. I'm glad I purchased this book to have as a resource for when I need it.