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Thursday, October 12, 2017

Love and Trouble: A Midlife Reckoning

I can't recall what drew me to the new memoir, Love and Trouble: A Midlife Reckoning by Claire Dederer, but something did, so I picked it up from the library recently. 

As Claire enters her midlife, she opens her old journals -- which she kept from an early age up until her marriage -- and begins reflecting on the choices she made in life and in love. From young oversexualization to her current state of marriage, from an awareness of her sexuality through being hit on by a notorious literary womanizer, Claire revisits the experiences and the memories that shaped her. 

This was such an interesting memoir, and one that I'm still thinking on. I am a different generation than Dederer, so I was sometimes shocked by her stories of being a young girl and her sexual exploits. However, her tale of the root of the problem -- sexual manipulation with a creepy friend of her mother's -- broke my heart and put two and two together for me. My heart broke for the young, scared girl who was at the mercy of her mother's whims. We could say that parents just didn't understand back then, but did they? 

The most striking chapter in this book is Dederer's letter to Roman Polanski. Society has done a very good job of covering up his sexual assault of a young girl, so much so that I found out the details of that assault in this book. Not that I couldn't look it up in the interwebs, but that when we hear about the punishment of Polanski in the media, it's about how it was a long time ago and even the victim has forgiven him. Dederer writes a missive that shows the long-ranging ramifications of the choices Polanski made in regards to a young girl who didn't deserve to be manipulated at a minimum. What we understand now is that a pre-teen isn't old enough to give consent. Dederer's words that express how deeply she was affected by this man's actions, and the parallel to her own experience, was striking and moving, like a punch in the gut. 

At some point we all have a midlife reckoning, I believe, and Dederer's is raw and honest, sometimes to the point of uncomfortability. (If that's not a word, I just made it one.) but what a beautiful and timely reckoning it is. 

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